The Habits of Self-Sabotage -
Coping Mechanisms A
NEW DIRECTION: What do you need to leave behind, fight off, make
peace
with or move past? Until we turn away from identifying with the
old, we
forget that merely turning to face in a new direction reveals
the next
part of your journey.
Given that you have your survival needs
met, note the fear-based coping
mechanisms you use to sabotage yourself
in each of the classic archetypes
or developmental roles below:
1. SURVIVOR – Lacks Trust and Contentment
- Isolated:
interpersonal connections are emotionally cold, distanced or
indifferent. Boundaries are too tight to avoid emotional connection
causing an undeveloped ability for intimacy.
- Selfish: feeling
self-pity or sorry for the self and looking for needs to be met without
empathy or consideration for others and or their needs, too. Be a bully
or tyrant by being a User/Taker.
- Be a Problem: Manipulate or
try to control people with domination and/or making others feel guilty
to get their needs met or for their own ends.
- Anxious: very
intelligent but have strong fears about having enough resources, money
or security which preclude them being true to their dreams and desires.
2. ORPHAN – Lacks Emotional Intelligence and Intimacy
- Needy:
interpersonal connections are over-emotional, enmeshed or dependent. Be
the nice guy/gal by being a Pleaser/Giver. Boundaries are too loose
with fear of being alone, of lacking attention or being unwanted.
- Charming:
make promises that sound good to them but that they cannot possibly
keep; develop a pattern of unreliability using their engaging
interpersonal abilities as a substitute for effort.
- Unemotional:
focus on intellect and action to the detriment of relationships and
understanding. Lack of emotional self-awareness, rarely cry and lack
warmth, playfulness and passion. Difficulty in connecting with others,
in giving and receiving affection.
- Blaming: think their lack of
success is due to the misunderstanding, jealousy, and incompetence of
others. They generally engage in impressive displays of emotion
designed to direct attention away from their shortcomings or failures.
3. VICTIM – Lacks Self-Esteem or Worthy Identity
- Ignorant
– people without models or traditions of high achievement, the
undeveloped lack accurate information about themselves.
- Self-Doubting:
block their success by holding high standards they feel they can never
possibly meet; they attend to and mercilessly emphasize their own
faults and failings to such an extent that they do not appreciate what
they DO accomplish.
- Unworthy: focus on minimizing risks; avoid
situations in which they could possibly fail, fear they might not be
worthy of the dream but it might disappoint them and they prefer not to
know.
- Undeserving: invested in having just enough to get by, living hand-to-mouth because they judge themselves undeserving.
4. BETRAYER – Lacks Spiritual or Moral Intelligence
- Perfectionism:
are highly-talented people for whom success comes easily or not at all.
If they can’t be other than the very best, they have no interest in
participating.
- Righteous: held back by indignation and
resistance to new ideas or change. May be critical, controlling or
threatening. May hide behind judgments.
- Cheating: tries to get
away with things by avoiding accountability, morality and
trustworthiness through evasiveness, lying, and self-betrayal.
- Trapped:
feel hopelessly immobilized by contradictory ambitions; feel they
cannot extricate themselves from their mutually neutralizing ambitions
and wishes.
- Revengeful: spread lies or gossip about others,
planning and enacting damage to another in reaction against a perceived
or experienced hurt or injustice.
5. SABOTEUR – Lacks Ability for Self-Direction and Success
- Procrastinating:
postpone major decisions and commitments; they evade permanence,
engagement and seriousness keep trying out possibilities but to not
engage fully.
- Stopping Short: work hard up to a point but
stubbornly keep their efforts just below the threshold necessary for
success or completion.
- Rebelling: aggressively strike out at
the world and go against authority. An “I’ll get them before they get
me,” attitude. They refuse to comply with demands instead of seeing
them as opportunities to explore their strengths against a standard.
- Risking:
energetic and impulsive, they habitually take unnecessary risks that
minimize success and often ensure their own defeat. Would rather fail
in a blaze of glory than succeed through patient effort.
- Indulgent:
chief characteristics are passivity or lack of initiative and their
disengagement with others and life. May be comfort-seeking, entitled,
self-medicating, addicted or self-indulgent. Avoidant or refusing to
participate.
- Punishing: stiffly self-discipline themselves, are
obedient to an internalized critical parent who whips them to succeed,
harsh judgment of self to the detriment of their life balance.
Rank how the Five archetypes are your chief sources of self-sabotage:
SURVIVOR _______
ORPHAN _______
VICTIM _______
BETRAYER _______
SABOTEUR _______
Notice
that the sources of self-sabotage are buried in the past and usually
result from ignorance in the out-dated manner of the parenting we
received. To stop your self-sabotage requires a kind and pragmatic
decision to solve the problem by providing the resources necessary for
success. Which archetype and coping mechanisms do you choose to master
first? Imagine that you have agreed to empower a child or a person you
care for and that you immediately go to work providing with what her or
she needs. For example: a mentor, organizing materials, a college
course, a room or space, funding, a work-out buddy, etc.
Get real, be generous and be practical. You deserve the tools you need to succeed.
Heather Carlile, a certified LPC and LMFT Supervisor, whose private
practice is in Richardson, TX, specializes in depth psychology and marriage
counseling. Her unique transpersonal philosophy, which she uses to relieve
anxiety, depression, guilt, anger and grief, integrates archetypes and the Enneagram.
She created and co-facilitates Designer
Marriage with her husband, Dr.
Jack Waldenmaier in classes and on the radio.
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